HAPPY NEW YEAR YA'LL! A new glow for all of us. Saturn is in Capricorn, and New York is going through a wild winter. Quite the powerful time.
I spent the last of my year with my family and friends, and then spent most of the first week by myself. I took a two week vacation from my job, and spent one half with family, and kept another all for myself. I'm forever dreaming of creative retreats, and I thought this would be the perfect time for that. But you know, life is humorous, and my apartment is very cold, and my plans didn't go as I thought. Turns out that more than making, what I needed was to really step back and remind myself why I'd event want to make. I have so many goals, and they involve time and effort and sweat, and why am I going so hard again? And how exactly do I plan to do all this?
my favorite thing is feeling that i’m being deliberate about my ish. but i keep noticing how much of my mindspace goes to what i dont want. and i sorta made this deal with myself that id really, really like to not recycle the same mothereffin goals for 2018. just cause id like to make space in my mind/energy for new things. and this longing for the same things, i’m not really about it right now. i’ve definitely expanded this year, but in some areas i feel stagnant, which is the one of the quickest ways to send me into spiral of anxiety and disconnectedness.
In my early twenties I longed to be 28, because in my mind it signified time passing and progress. I imagined that at 28 I’d have control of my life and would be happily self-employed, traveling often and moving from project to project. I’m 27 years old, and I’m not sure that in eleven months I’ll be as carefree or as settled as younger me envisioned. I’ve definitely become more grounded, and I’m way more focused on my creative work, but I really don’t feel that I have it as together as young me imagined. And yet, I've built and I've used my fire, and the messiness has turned out to be very important in all this.
I know I want to do this, but I've been holding myself back. I have to continue to remind myself that I can handle the new-ness of this. Discomfort is okay; I'll live.
Am I not capable of learning and improving? Am I afraid of having an opinion? Is my fear of being wrong or disliked bigger than my visions and passions? The only thing that would guarantee failure, or me being exempt of critique, is not doing anything at all. Sitting back and simply taking in other people's work, and longing for a life in which I create and see my potential through. Is that what I want for myself? Do I want to be an expectator? Do I really want to step aside for my fears? No, I do not want to merely watch, and I do not want to my fears to drive my life. I refuse to feel that my life is happening to me, and I'm just reacting. I'm forever growing and adapting, and I get to push past my comfort zone.