My goal for 2017 is to be intentional in my days, and to let my love for myself and my people guide my commitment to create, learn, and connect. Today I kept thinking about how I haven't figured out what I want to do with this blog. When I started it my idea was to create a space where I'd share resources, and the zine things I learn along away. Except that once I started brainstorming, I felt more overwhelmed than anything else. I've only written three blog posts, and my drafts are looking quite sad. I know I want to do this, but I've been holding myself back. I have to continue to remind myself that I can handle the new-ness of this. Discomfort is okay; I'll live.
Am I not capable of learning and improving? Is my fear of being wrong or disliked bigger than my visions and passions? The only thing that would guarantee failure, or me being exempt of critique, is not doing anything at all. Sitting back and simply taking in other people's work, and longing for a life in which I create and see my potential through. Is that what I want for myself? Do I want to be an expectator? Do I really want to step aside for my fears? No, I do not want to merely watch, and I do not want to my fears to drive my life. I refuse to feel that my life is happening to me, and I'm just reacting. I'm forever growing and adapting, and I get to push past my comfort zone.
In my journals I often write about the things I want to do, the projects I'd like to see through, and the things I'd like to add to my life. My agenda is shaped by the idea that my life is mine to build, and that I get to experiment and see what works for myself. So when I find myself holding back from writing or creating, I very well know that I'm going against the very things I want for myself. This blog is for experimenting and expressing, and I have to be in it for it to actually turn into something.
My wish for myself is to be open and grounded in my expression. I don't need perfection; I understand that it takes consistency and practice to master a skill. The only way to be great is by doing the thing again and again. Which means that for me to make the zines and videos I want to make, and write the pieces I dream of, I need to be okay with this uncertain part. I have to accept that I'm figuring things out as I go, and that the best I can do is show up and experiment.
It is quite humbling to accept that I'm not entirely sure of what I'm doing. It is grounding to see the process for what it is, and acknowledge that I will need to be flexible and open to learning. The exciting part is that I get to grow, and I get to engage in something that my insides have been craving for a while. I'm reminding myself of the affirmation that carried me through last summer: "discomfort is ok; i'll live. my insides shift, and adjust". I wrote that to reframe how I see discomfort, and to remind myself that the life I want isn't all rainbows and flowers. My projects and visions come with their own challenges and tricky parts, and I need to let myself sit with the discomfort, and know I'll always adapt.
I want this space to support my self-love and creative goals. I want to use this corner to document the things that work for me, and the process in seeing my visions through. I want to be braver in my expressions, and loud in my support for the things I stand for.