I finally made a new zine. The title is "the sun is coming for us", and I made it to reaffirm my commitment to self-care and creativity, and to remind myself that waves have always been part of my process. It's about me using all I got, and prioritizing creative projects, learning, and self-love, in this post-election hell. I can't control the collective level, but I can add to it, and I can be intentional in my own life. The biggest goal is to build the life I want for myself.
For a while I felt that I was stewing in my discontent. I was feeling unhappy with where I'm at, mentally, creatively, and physically. There's nothing like feeling unmotivated and unproductive to make me scream inside. If I don't nip it real fast, I'll find myself going through the motions. And I really don't like living like that. I understand I'm a brown woman in a society that isn't built for me; I can't expect myself, or anyone else, to always be on it. We're all affected by our daily lives, the systems set up against us, and the chemical mess that is often our brains. But I'm trying to let those things motivate me, rather than discourage me. I need us to liberate ourselves during Trump era. I need us to remember that this is ours too.
I prioritize radical self-love because I know that I cannot wait to be given permission to take up space. It's about saying 'fuck you' to a white supremacist society that would prefer for me to stay stagnant and discouraged. It's about loving myself and my own because, who else is going to do it?
There are pending creative projects I haven't mustered the energy to wrap up. They've been weighing on my mind, and I'm ready to come back to them. I'm remembering that I don't have to wait to know more or 'be' more to do the things I want to do. I'm always learning and expanding, and creativity has always been best when I let myself figure it out as I go.
I still long for the hill house, this place I've conjured, that always comes up when I want to be quiet and alone for a longer period of time. I crave alone time to process my thoughts and feelings, I dream of having uninterrupted time to work on a project, and do whatever I want to do. I want the space to be live out my basic life goals: creativity, learning, connection, and self-indulgence.
But that isn't an option right now, and I have to make it work with what I got. I can start with where I am, and build from there. Let me remember what it's like to be intentional in my days, in my process, and my becoming.